I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
