I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
