the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
