Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I cut my penus on the lid.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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