you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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