kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
