She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
