Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
