His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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