so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
