need another drink. this is the easiest way
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize