For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
ttyl tear gas
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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