apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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