I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
