My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
