I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
