I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
