I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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