life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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