Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
