I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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