Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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