Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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