Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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