she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
