made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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