It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
