Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
