It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
