did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
