i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
