just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
