Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
