I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
