You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
