rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
