i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
