in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
