May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
