I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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