I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
