I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
