Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
