i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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