If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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