I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
