This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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