I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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