Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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