Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
