bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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