Kiss
Puke
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
