You smell like stripper and shame
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
