So drunk its hurt
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
