Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
