How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
