Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
