I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
