In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
