everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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