just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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