you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
